For a self-affirming journey, I’m spending a lot of time letting others affirm for me. People I’ve met, some only for a few minute, have remarked on my confidence, assertiveness, engaging personality, and infectious positivity. They have marveled at my bravery in taking on this trip, and friends and family have told me how impressed they are at my initiative. As for myself, I am feeling that some old impostor syndrome that follows me to professional conferences, reunions, and social gatherings. Why are all these people impressed with me? I haven’t done anything yet. Why do they seem to think I’m someone special? I’m not the best at anything I do, and in some aspects I’m painfully average. Who do they think I really am?

The real strangeness of impostor syndrome isn’t feeling that you don’t belong. It’s feeling that everyone else must have a distorted view of your value. If the people that belong here think I do too, I must be giving off some false impression.

I’m realizing that it is perhaps I who has a distorted view of my own value. I may not be the fastest woman ever to bike across the country, but I am one of a small sample that has the courage to try. I may not be the most knowledgeable person in the room at a conference of experts, but I’m willing to contribute what I can and put in the effort to be more useful next time. And for now, that’s enough. My best will always be enough.

I know I can’t rely on other people for validation; other people are unpredictable- generous, cruel, spiteful, and misguided. But I can be there for myself, and maybe this trip is slowly making me a better internal cheerleader. Not because I deserve it more than others, but because I deserve it just as much.