“I’m avoiding you so I don’t have to say goodbye.”

My sister doesn’t like goodbyes. Ever since we were little and our dad used to go away on business trips, she’s dreaded the last few minutes before someone leaves. It’s funny how a simple goodbye can feel so loaded, triggering worries not even fully formed but potent nonetheless.

We hug and say goodbye anyway, eyes red and voices unsteady, trying not to set each other off. I hug my niece, hug my nephew (to the extent that you can hug a small wriggly person that stands only 1.5 feet off the ground), and tell them they can follow me on the big map at Grandma and Papi’s house. I know they don’t really understand what’s happening, but Avery at least will like looking at the map.

I back out of the driveway, spurred by tiny hands waving, grinning faces, a teary smile from Kate. I wave, my own eyes spilling over as I drive away. I let them, smiling.

I am relishing these tears. It feels good to cry tears that aren’t of frustration and disappointment. Tears of excitement, fear, tears of love and missing- these don’t erode me. They make me feel alive.

Apparently, I’m riding my bike across the country. My bike is on a FedEx truck and I’m sitting in an airport with my helmet and a lot of spandex, so it must be true. How did I get here?

I am a “normal” person with a job and an apartment (well, I was until a few hours ago). Now I’m on leave from work, my belongings are in the basement of my parent’s house, and I have no official address.

Many people I’ve talked to about this trip seemed to think I was crazy. I didn’t, but somewhere between asking a friend how to wear bike shorts and researching bear spray I started coming around. Internally I’ve always considered myself fairly impulsive, but the evidence is against me.

Stuff I enjoy:
Good food/cooking
Clean sheets
Routines
Friends and family nearby

Stuff that makes me uncomfortable:
Unknowns
Talking to strangers
Doing things I don’t already know I can do
Failing
Too many choices

So basically it’s definitely going to be fine, right? There’s no growth without discomfort, so here goes.

Check out the route here, and feel free to offer suggestions, advice, and encouragement!